青柳诊所手记37

有一次治疗一个小女孩，我问她她觉得最开心的事情是什么？

她歪着头答：口袋里装着两个糖果。

我问她为什么不多不少正好两颗糖果。

她说：这样我蹦蹦跳跳时就可以听到糖果在口袋里蹦来蹦去的声音了。

她反过来问我：如果你遇见一个可以满足你的愿望的精灵，你想要得到什么？

我想要得到什么呢？

我也许可以有一辆车，我们的车子都20多年了，连空调都没有。

我想要有一个小房子，因为我现在住的公寓只有一个小小的阳台，如果能在屋后的庭院里种一些果树和草药那就太好了。

我也许可以有多一点钱，这样就可以满世界去寻访能教我变成一个更好医生的师父们了。

如果有钱买一个坐落在森林里的小诊所那岂不很好？这样我就可以在户外教病人静坐、瑜伽、气功，累了自己也可以在树荫下小睡一下……

如果有更多的钱，我们可以天天给人义诊，这样无论是谁，不管有钱没钱，都可以得到我们的帮助了……

我的愿望很多啊。

今天早上第一个病人是个眼科。我给他的眼睛按摩时，太阳正好出来了，照在治疗床上和我的脸庞上。差不多是寒冬季节了，但这柔软的光线让我觉得很暖和很感动。忽然间我意识到，其实我什么愿望都没有，因为精灵们已经满足我所有的愿望了：我做着自己所热爱的事情，并且还因此而得到报酬，我还渴求别的什么呢？

诗人鲁米说：宇宙中的一切都在你的身体内。你需要什么就在你自己身上找。（“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.”）。

说到鲁米，我得特别提一下上周来拜访我们的这个病人。

他是A教授，是一个退休的文学博士，以前专门研究波斯诗人鲁米的。

教授很儒雅，很博学，很真诚，我和大师兄都非常喜欢他，每次他来，诊所里就有小小的兴奋，尽管他年纪大得可以做我们的父亲。

当我们问他多大年纪时，他就笑着答：“如果只算白天的话，我才30岁多一点。” 然后又嘻嘻一笑：晚上我都是在睡觉，为什么要算它们呢？

教授深爱他的太太，但她因病多年前去世了。去世之后，他一直鳏居着。我问他是否感到孤独，他说不，虽然他一直深深怀念着太太，但他相信她的灵魂总是在伴随着他。他不但不孤独，而且觉得每天都非常美好。

他说，“你想知道我每天是如何用晚餐的吗？我独自一人，关掉灯，点上蜡烛，倒上一杯红葡萄酒，穿上舒适的衣服，正儿八经地坐在我的小餐桌旁。桌上是刚从院子里摘下来的鲜花，烛光在黑暗中神秘闪烁，我不紧不慢地用着我的大餐。顺便说一句，我是个素食主义者。我做的菜都是有机而新鲜的。我抿一口酒，吃一口饭，俨然自己就是一个幸福的王子一样…..”

我笑道，“您是在幻想自己是一个王子吗？”

“不，”他说，“我不是在幻想自己是一个王子，我本来就是一个王子。虽然我并不是个特别富有的人，但生命中该有的我都有了，我不是王子谁是王子呢？”

临别前，我还特意说：跟您谈话是多么有意思的一件事。我可以把您说的写进我的诊所手记里面吗？

他爽朗一笑：为什么不可以呢？说不定我因此成了名人，明早一打开门，啊，我的天，那些年轻漂亮的女孩子们排了长长一溜儿都在等着我接见她们呢？

老人的生活态度也让我想起我父亲去世前的那两个星期，我去医院照顾他。他的病室不远处住了一个年纪看上去很大的女士。我从来没有跟她说过话，但每天傍晚，医院送饭过来时，我都看见她让人把她的小餐桌搬到了医院的走廊上，她的脖子上系着洁白的餐巾，手里拿着刀叉，正襟危坐，专心致志吃理直气壮地享受她的大餐，她的银色的头发跟黑色的餐具形成了鲜明的对照。这里是重症病室，走廊并不宽敞，她的周围是匆匆来往的医生或护士，或者前来探访的像我这样的心事重重的病人家属，然而，她对旁观者的侧目毫不以为意，那优雅高傲的态度就如一个女王在享受专为她开的一场盛宴一样。

当时我就想：这个重病的老妇，却还能如此从容而优雅地享受生活，真不简单啊。

这天送别A教授后，我又禁不住想：这个世界上是不是有一种幸福，有一种富足，有一种优雅，它本来就在你的内心深处，你并不需要去寻找它，你所要的，就是把它以你喜欢的方式表达出来，让它直接活鲜鲜地展现在你的眼前，就如这两个老人所做的一样？

常常有病人问我：安娜医生，为什么我总是想吃一些垃圾食物，尽管我明明知道它们对我是有害的？你能帮我减一下体重吗？

我就很直率地告诉他们:中医里面有几个不同的“虚”：气虚，血虚和神虚。气虚了你就会发现自己体力不够；血虚了就会有心脏功能的问题，包括睡不好觉或者皮肤痒痒等等；如果是神虚了呢，那你就会神魂不宁，心里有一种空空的感觉，有一种莫名的饥渴感，但你又不确定自己到底为什么而饥渴，所以你就会用那些高热量的食物来填充自己。其实，这时你最需要做的就是反省你的人生，通过反省来觉察你的生命中到底缺乏什么。如果你真的想疗愈自己，你别无他法，唯有试图从创伤、挫折、丧失、和痛苦中寻找生命的意义从而重新点燃对生活的热情之火。

一个对生活没有热情的人，就不可能是个幸福的人，他的生活也不可能是圆满的。

是的，人生的确不易。尤其是最近几年，许多人的生活都非常艰难。多少人失去了亲人或者挚爱的人？多少人患上了危及生命的疾患？多少家庭因为严重的经济萧条而在困顿中挣扎着求生？多少孩童在破碎的家庭里痛苦成长？多少人甚至要面对硝烟炮火？还有多少人，被悲伤击碎而陷入绝望的深渊？

这些都是可悲的现实，所以我们这些相对比较幸运的人，一定得有一颗柔软心、慈悲心，想法设法去帮助身边的人走出困境。

而对于那些身处不幸的人，我建议你像我提到的那两个老人一样振作起来。如果你留心观察，你会发现，无论是哪个时代，其实没有哪个人的生命是完美的。就算那些表面看上去很风光很成功的人，你也没有看见他们在黑暗中走过的荆棘和背后流的眼泪。

传统中医说：恐伤肾，怒伤肝，悲伤肺。而这恐，这怒，这悲归根结底不都是来自于人生中的匮乏吗？而这种匮乏感又是来自于哪里呢？A教授本来也可以有严重的匮乏感，如果他整天拉长脸坐在电视机前大嚼垃圾食物，谁又会指责他呢？可是他选择的却是另外一种生活态度。

要想健康，要想快乐，你必须不断地调整你体内的天气。任何时候，哪怕是在最黑暗最孤独的时候，你也得学会像我前面提到的那两个老人一样去创造快乐、喜悦和对生活的热情。

正如鲁米说的：

不要老和一位悲伤的朋友坐在一起。

当你身处一座花园，

你是瞧着那荆棘还是花朵？

多花点时间，跟那玫瑰和茉莉在一起。

Do not sit long with a sad friend.

When you go to a garden,

do you look at thorns or flowers?

Spend more time with roses and jasmine.

Whispering of Willows (37)

By Dr. Anna Zhao

(https://whisperingwillowclinic.com)

Once when I was treating a little girl, I asked her when she felt the happiest. She tilted her little head and answered: “When there are two candies in my pocket.”

“Why two?” I pursued.

She giggled: “This way I can hear the sound of candys bouncing around in my pocket when I am hopping.”

She threw back a question at me: “If an elf can grant your wishes, what would you want from him?”

What might I want? I thought to myself.

Maybe I can have a car. Our car is over 20 years old; it doesn’t even have air conditioning.

I would like to have a small house, because the apartment I live in now only has a small balcony. It would be great if I could plant some fruit trees and herbs in a courtyard behind the house.

Maybe I could have a little more money to afford me to travel around the world searching for medical gurus who could enlighten me on how to become a better doctor.

Also, wouldn’t it be great if I had the money to purchase a small clinic nestled in the forest? This way, I could teach patients meditation, yoga, and Qigong outdoors, and when tired, I can snooze in the shade of a tree...

With even more money, we could provide free healing services every day, so that no matter who, wealthy or poor, everyone could benefit from our service...

After all, I have many wishes and the list goes on.

Today my first patient was an eye patient. While I was massaging his eyes, the sun rose, glistening on the treatment table and my face. We are in the middle of winter, but the gentle touch of the sunlight made me feel warm and moved. Suddenly the thought came to me that indeed I have no greater wish than what I am doing now. Perhaps the elves have already granted all my wishes: I am doing what I love and getting paid for it. What more could I ask for?

The poet Rumi said: “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.”

Speaking of Rumi, I have to make a special mention of one patient who came to visit us last week.

We call him Professor A, a retired doctor of literature who previously specialized in the study of the Persian poet Rumi.

This professor is a very special man; elegant, knowledgeable, and genuine. Both Dr. Wang and I adore him, and whenever he comes, a little excitement stirs in the clinic, even though he is old enough to be our father.

When we asked him how old he was, he smiled and replied: "I am in my 30s, for I only count daytime. I sleep through the nights, so why count them?”

The professor loved his wife deeply, but unfortunately, she died quite a few years ago and he has been living as a widower. I asked him if he felt lonely, but he said no; although he misses his wife dearly, he believes her soul often accompanies him. Not only is he not lonely, he said, he sees every day as a joy and a blessing.

He asked, "Do you want to know how I have dinner every day? In the evenings I am all by myself; I turn off the lights, light a candle, and pour a glass of red wine. In my comfy attire I am seated by my little table. On the table are flowers freshly picked from the yard; the candlelight flickering mysteriously in the darkness. I take my time to eat my meal. By the way, I am a vegetarian - all the dishes I cook are organic and fresh.  I take a sip of my wine as I munch my favorite food, hah, aren’t I a happy prince?"

I giggled, "Professor A, are you imagining that you are a prince?"

"No," he said seriously, "I am not imagining that I am a prince. I am a prince. Although I am not a particularly rich man, I have everything I need in life. If I do not qualify as a prince, who else could?"

Before leaving, I said to him: “Dear Professor A, how interesting it is to talk with you! Can I include what you told to us into my Whispering of Willows?”

He replied with hearty chuckle: “Why not? Maybe I will become a celebrity because of this. And who knows if the next day, when I open the door, oh my Lord, a long line of young and beautiful girls are waiting for me outside!”

The professor's attitude towards life reminds me of another scene I witnessed during the two weeks before my father passed, when I was in the hospital taking care of him. Not far from his ward lived a senior lady, to whom I had never spoken. Every evening when the hospital delivered her meal, I saw her have someone move her tiny dining table to the corridor, where she sat and dined. A white napkin was tied around her neck, in her hands were a dinner knife and fork; holding her posture upright, she was completely focused on enjoying her meal, her silver hair and the black tableware in sharp contrast.

This was the intensive care unit, and the corridor was not spacious. Around her were doctors or nurses with hastened footsteps, or visiting family members, hearts laden with fear and worries. However, this lady paid no attention to the surroundings, completely ignoring the sideways glances from curious onlookers. Her elegance, confidence and pride made her look like a queen relishing a banquet made just for her.

At that time, I thought: It’s extraordinary that this seriously ill senior can enjoy life so calmly and gracefully.

After bidding farewell to Professor A that day, I couldn't help but think: Is there a different kind of happiness; a kind of abundance, and a kind of elegance that exists in this world? It must  already reside deep in our hearts; we don't need to look outside for it at all, because it is already there. What we need to do is: express it in the best way we can; bringing it out directly and vividly right in front of our eyes, just like the two seniors I mentioned.

Patients often ask me: “Dr. Anna, why do I always crave junk food, even though I know they are harmful? Can you please help me lose some weight?”

I sometimes tell them bluntly: There are several different "deficiencies" in Traditional Chinese Medicine: Qi deficiency, Blood deficiency and Spirit deficiency. If you are deficient in qi, you will find that you are not energetic enough; if you are deficient in blood, you will have heart function problems, including insomnia, or itchy skin, etc.; if you are deficient in spirit, you will be restless and have a kind of void sensation in your heart, as if an emptiness is there making you inexplicably hungry and thirsty. Not being sure why you are hungry and thirsty, you will try to fill those voids by stuffing yourself with high-calorie foods. In fact, what you need to do most at this time is to reflect – reflect on your life and observe what that void you are experiencing might be. If you are serious about healing, you have no choice but to try to find meaning in all the life events you are experiencing, such as loss, trauma, frustration, and pain. You have to learn to rekindle the flame of your passion for life.

No passion means no happiness, and no fulfillment ever.

Yes, life is indeed not easy. Especially during the last a few years, life has been terribly difficult for many people and families. How many have lost family members or loved ones? How many suffer from life-threatening diseases? How many families struggle to survive due to the severe economic recession? How many children growing up in pain and in broken families? How many had to face separation, violence and even war? How many are left shattered by grief, or have fallen into an abyss of despair?

All these are brutal reality and there is no escape. Those of us who are relatively more fortunate must have a soft heart and overflowing compassion, endeavouring to help those less fortunate, walk through their troubles.

If you are one of those in deplorable circumstances, I suggest you live as fully as possible in your personal circumstances like the above two seniors. If you observe carefully, you will find that no matter what era you are in, no one's life is perfect. Some people may appear prosperous and successful on the surface, but you haven't seen the thorns they walked through in the dark, and the tears they shed along the way.

Traditional Chinese Medicine says: Fear harms the kidneys, anger, the liver, and sadness, the lungs. But don’t you think these all stem from life’s deprivations, whether we are talking about fear, or anger, or sadness? But who is doing the depriving? Professor A could sit in front of the TV, sad and eat junk food, but he chose to live life fully.

In summery, in order to be healthy and happy, through your choices, you must constantly adjust the weather inside your body. At any time, even in the darkest and loneliest times, you have to create your happiness, joy and enthusiasm for life for yourself, just like those two beautiful senior people I talked about earlier.

As Rumi said:

Do not sit long with a sad friend.

When you go to a garden,

do you look at thorns or flowers?

Spend more time with roses and jasmine.